Dear "Steve" the manicurist,

Look, I'm gonna cut right to the chase because I'm just not in the mood:

First of all, who do you think you're fooling? Your name is not "Steve". I have nothing against immigrants (I'm one myself!), but I somehow doubt that "Steve" made it into the 1960's edition of Most Popular Vietnamese Baby Names. You feel me?

Secondly... that nail file you're holding? It's meant to be a gentle instrument used in the calm and relaxing ritual of the manicure... not a lethal weapon. Despite what I'm sure has been your experience, people don't usually cry and grimace during manicures. This should be a red flag for you!

Worst manicure experience ever. It literally hurt me to leave that $3 tip - and not just because my fingers were bleeding.

Goodbye forever,

Lesley

Dear Physician's Assistant,

You must be one busy lady! I've been trying to speak to you for two days with no luck. I'm sorry that my body decided to have an allergic reaction to a prescription outwith normal business hours - next time I break out in hives, suffer extreme exhaustion and have trouble breathing, I'll make sure it's between 8:30am and 4:30pm.

If you care to respond to any of the messages I've left you, here a few things to bear in mind:
1. If I don't answer, it's most likely because I'm dead.
2. If I'm whispering, it's most likely because I'm at work (it is between 8:30 and 4:30, after all) and don't want the entire office hearing about my hives.
3. If I am rude, it's most likely because you deserve it. (Or perhaps mood swings are another side effect of the drugs?)

Itchily awaiting your call,

Lesley

Dear new yellow sticky notes,

Is it just me, or are you even yellow-er than before? Honestly! I can't stop looking at you. And the contrast between your new sunny hue and the dark cherry grain of my desk is really quite something.

But it's not just your color... if I didn't know any better, I would swear that you are stickier too! (C'mon, you can tell me: are you stickier?) I stuck you on my monitor 3 days ago and you are still holding strong with nary a corner curl to be seen.

The bottom line is, I think I'm falling for you. I don't care that some thoughtless shipping company printed their [hideous] logo on all four of your sides and I don't even care about the mini shipping pallet you're sitting on... I still think I'm going to take you with me when I quit my job on Friday. It will be our little secret...

Love,

Lesley