Dear self,

It's January 3rd, and you know what that means… you are already 3 days late in starting a New Year's Resolution. Even though we don't usually make resolutions (mostly because our memory is simply not up to remembering the same thing for a whole year), I thought I would make a few suggestions for your consideration:

1. You are a fatty. Go to the gym, for goodness' sake! I know the thing with the naked woman spooked you a little, but I'm sure we can work something out. Perhaps you can work out in sunglasses. Or use the machines backwards to keep from looking in the mirrors. There is a way…

2. Also, I think we could… you know, in general… be nice to people. Not all the time, I mean… just… you know… every now and then… or something…

3. Imagine waking up one day, looking in the mirror and seeing a face like Courtney Love. (I'll give you a moment here to compose yourself.) Neither of us wants that to happen. So… how's about we start going to bed a little earlier, drinking more water, using all those wrinkle prevention creams we've bought and resisting that urge to spend too much time in the warm, cozy glow of a tanning bed? …The Courtney Love image is still stuck in your head, isn't it? Me too, me too…

4. Wouldn't it be fun to find a new hobby? And I don't mean like that time you and Jen took up mosaics (which lasted all of 30 minutes and cost about $100). And no, movie-going is not a hobby…

5. You've really gotta move to a warmer climate. This arctic winter thing is killin' me!!! I had to drive in snow today. Actual snow… falling from the sky and sticking to the road… It was not fun. It was hard! And cold. I hear Texas is nice this time of year…