If you offer someone a Salt & Vinegar potato chip, you should mention that it's a Salt & Vinegar potato chip. I mean, they look just like regular potato chips. I'm just sayin'...
*blech*
Lesley
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Dear rude neighbors,
Where oh where have you gone? Your stinky trash has been sitting outside your door for a whole week without moving! Surely if you were at home you would have moved it by now… right? Or perhaps you are the only people in this building or are missing either the nose from your face or its sense of smell.
If it's the latter, please allow me to clue you in: Your. Trash. Stinks. I know because I walk past it 2 or 3 times a day. Also, the landing outside your door is not a dumpster. In fact, there is an actual dumpster provided for just such an occasion and it is only a block away! You pass it every time you come or go from your home, so you must know where it is located. That big, metal box on the corner? THAT'S the dumpster and that's where your stinky trash belongs.
I noticed that you were charged a $25 fine for your stinky trash rudeness. (Classy of you to leave the fine notice on your front door for an entire week, by the way.) In addition to this $25, I think you should voluntarily give $5 to each of your neighbors towards the purchase of air fresheners and/or gas masks. Thanks in advance.
Awaiting my $5,
Lesley
If it's the latter, please allow me to clue you in: Your. Trash. Stinks. I know because I walk past it 2 or 3 times a day. Also, the landing outside your door is not a dumpster. In fact, there is an actual dumpster provided for just such an occasion and it is only a block away! You pass it every time you come or go from your home, so you must know where it is located. That big, metal box on the corner? THAT'S the dumpster and that's where your stinky trash belongs.
I noticed that you were charged a $25 fine for your stinky trash rudeness. (Classy of you to leave the fine notice on your front door for an entire week, by the way.) In addition to this $25, I think you should voluntarily give $5 to each of your neighbors towards the purchase of air fresheners and/or gas masks. Thanks in advance.
Awaiting my $5,
Lesley
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Dear TX DOT Lady,
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Dear mouse (may you rest in peace),
Does it make you feel good? Powerful? What? Help me to understand, please.
Why – why, oh why – would you want to sneak up behind me while I am minding my own business, hard at work? Everyone said that my scream probably hurt your little mousy ears. Well, I've got to be honest here: I hope it did. (Serves you right.) And I suppose the sight of me and my co-workers running, screaming, jumping on desks just didn't do it for you the first time… so you had to come back a second time. That's just plain rude, if you ask me.
Am I sorry that these brave souls, armed only with a candy bowl and a clipboard, trapped you and disposed of you? No.
Do I feel guilty that you were only caught because you had almost lost the ability to walk due to the poison put out at my request? Not even a little bit.
Does this make me a bad person? Maybe, but I don't care.
I only hope before you crossed over, you sent out a little mousy signal to all of your little mousy friends warning them to stay away from me. I may have to check under my desk before I can sit down, and look over my shoulder every three seconds… but at least I'm still alive, unlike you.
Who's laughing now?
Lesley
Why – why, oh why – would you want to sneak up behind me while I am minding my own business, hard at work? Everyone said that my scream probably hurt your little mousy ears. Well, I've got to be honest here: I hope it did. (Serves you right.) And I suppose the sight of me and my co-workers running, screaming, jumping on desks just didn't do it for you the first time… so you had to come back a second time. That's just plain rude, if you ask me.
Am I sorry that these brave souls, armed only with a candy bowl and a clipboard, trapped you and disposed of you? No.
Do I feel guilty that you were only caught because you had almost lost the ability to walk due to the poison put out at my request? Not even a little bit.
Does this make me a bad person? Maybe, but I don't care.
I only hope before you crossed over, you sent out a little mousy signal to all of your little mousy friends warning them to stay away from me. I may have to check under my desk before I can sit down, and look over my shoulder every three seconds… but at least I'm still alive, unlike you.
Who's laughing now?
Lesley
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Dear self,
It's January 3rd, and you know what that means… you are already 3 days late in starting a New Year's Resolution. Even though we don't usually make resolutions (mostly because our memory is simply not up to remembering the same thing for a whole year), I thought I would make a few suggestions for your consideration:
1. You are a fatty. Go to the gym, for goodness' sake! I know the thing with the naked woman spooked you a little, but I'm sure we can work something out. Perhaps you can work out in sunglasses. Or use the machines backwards to keep from looking in the mirrors. There is a way…
2. Also, I think we could… you know, in general… be nice to people. Not all the time, I mean… just… you know… every now and then… or something…
3. Imagine waking up one day, looking in the mirror and seeing a face like Courtney Love. (I'll give you a moment here to compose yourself.) Neither of us wants that to happen. So… how's about we start going to bed a little earlier, drinking more water, using all those wrinkle prevention creams we've bought and resisting that urge to spend too much time in the warm, cozy glow of a tanning bed? …The Courtney Love image is still stuck in your head, isn't it? Me too, me too…
4. Wouldn't it be fun to find a new hobby? And I don't mean like that time you and Jen took up mosaics (which lasted all of 30 minutes and cost about $100). And no, movie-going is not a hobby…
5. You've really gotta move to a warmer climate. This arctic winter thing is killin' me!!! I had to drive in snow today. Actual snow… falling from the sky and sticking to the road… It was not fun. It was hard! And cold. I hear Texas is nice this time of year…
1. You are a fatty. Go to the gym, for goodness' sake! I know the thing with the naked woman spooked you a little, but I'm sure we can work something out. Perhaps you can work out in sunglasses. Or use the machines backwards to keep from looking in the mirrors. There is a way…
2. Also, I think we could… you know, in general… be nice to people. Not all the time, I mean… just… you know… every now and then… or something…
3. Imagine waking up one day, looking in the mirror and seeing a face like Courtney Love. (I'll give you a moment here to compose yourself.) Neither of us wants that to happen. So… how's about we start going to bed a little earlier, drinking more water, using all those wrinkle prevention creams we've bought and resisting that urge to spend too much time in the warm, cozy glow of a tanning bed? …The Courtney Love image is still stuck in your head, isn't it? Me too, me too…
4. Wouldn't it be fun to find a new hobby? And I don't mean like that time you and Jen took up mosaics (which lasted all of 30 minutes and cost about $100). And no, movie-going is not a hobby…
5. You've really gotta move to a warmer climate. This arctic winter thing is killin' me!!! I had to drive in snow today. Actual snow… falling from the sky and sticking to the road… It was not fun. It was hard! And cold. I hear Texas is nice this time of year…
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