Dear "Steve" the manicurist,

Look, I'm gonna cut right to the chase because I'm just not in the mood:

First of all, who do you think you're fooling? Your name is not "Steve". I have nothing against immigrants (I'm one myself!), but I somehow doubt that "Steve" made it into the 1960's edition of Most Popular Vietnamese Baby Names. You feel me?

Secondly... that nail file you're holding? It's meant to be a gentle instrument used in the calm and relaxing ritual of the manicure... not a lethal weapon. Despite what I'm sure has been your experience, people don't usually cry and grimace during manicures. This should be a red flag for you!

Worst manicure experience ever. It literally hurt me to leave that $3 tip - and not just because my fingers were bleeding.

Goodbye forever,

Lesley

Dear Physician's Assistant,

You must be one busy lady! I've been trying to speak to you for two days with no luck. I'm sorry that my body decided to have an allergic reaction to a prescription outwith normal business hours - next time I break out in hives, suffer extreme exhaustion and have trouble breathing, I'll make sure it's between 8:30am and 4:30pm.

If you care to respond to any of the messages I've left you, here a few things to bear in mind:
1. If I don't answer, it's most likely because I'm dead.
2. If I'm whispering, it's most likely because I'm at work (it is between 8:30 and 4:30, after all) and don't want the entire office hearing about my hives.
3. If I am rude, it's most likely because you deserve it. (Or perhaps mood swings are another side effect of the drugs?)

Itchily awaiting your call,

Lesley

Dear new yellow sticky notes,

Is it just me, or are you even yellow-er than before? Honestly! I can't stop looking at you. And the contrast between your new sunny hue and the dark cherry grain of my desk is really quite something.

But it's not just your color... if I didn't know any better, I would swear that you are stickier too! (C'mon, you can tell me: are you stickier?) I stuck you on my monitor 3 days ago and you are still holding strong with nary a corner curl to be seen.

The bottom line is, I think I'm falling for you. I don't care that some thoughtless shipping company printed their [hideous] logo on all four of your sides and I don't even care about the mini shipping pallet you're sitting on... I still think I'm going to take you with me when I quit my job on Friday. It will be our little secret...

Love,

Lesley

Dear Aquafina drinker,

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably already noticed the bottle of Aquafina missing from the office fridge – and I can explain. You see, I drink Nestle Pure Life and also keep my bottles in that fridge… the two look very similar, what with the blue labels and all. And what are the chances that we’d both select the 16.9 ouncer?

The thing is, the lights were off and it was dark in there. I didn’t turn the lights off, Darlene did it! She’s always going on about not working for the electric company or some such nonsense. If we need someone to blame – why not blame her? Had the lights been on I’m sure I would never have mistaken your water for mine, taken it from the refrigerator, emptied it and then hid the bottle under the papers in my trash can.

I proffer to you as a peace offering a bottle of my own water, nicely chilled and enhanced with minerals for taste. It is yours for the taking. And if you’re still angry with me, then… well… I’m pretty sure I heard Darlene calling you fat earlier.

On your side,

Lesley

Dear ridiculous lady,

Just a quick note to thank you for reinforcing the stereotype that we Southerners have of being uncultured and stupid. I’m sure the New York cast of Cats is having quite a laugh over it… I can hear them now, “Stupid Texans. Can you believe that ridiculous lady came on stage and tried to pet Old Deuteronomy?!?”

Frankly, no. I can not believe it. Where on earth did you grow up? How could you possibly think that you were allowed to do that? I just don’t understand. You weren’t at a kindergarten recital- it was a Broadway tour for crying out loud! The more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems. (And FYI: even at a kindergarten recital – not proper etiquette to bum rush the stage and touch strangers.)

Incredulous,

Lesley

P.S. You should consider calling to check on the stage manager. I’m pretty sure you gave her a heart attack.

Dear oblivious co-worker,

If you offer someone a Salt & Vinegar potato chip, you should mention that it's a Salt & Vinegar potato chip. I mean, they look just like regular potato chips. I'm just sayin'...

*blech*

Lesley

Dear rude neighbors,

Where oh where have you gone? Your stinky trash has been sitting outside your door for a whole week without moving! Surely if you were at home you would have moved it by now… right? Or perhaps you are the only people in this building or are missing either the nose from your face or its sense of smell.

If it's the latter, please allow me to clue you in: Your. Trash. Stinks. I know because I walk past it 2 or 3 times a day. Also, the landing outside your door is not a dumpster. In fact, there is an actual dumpster provided for just such an occasion and it is only a block away! You pass it every time you come or go from your home, so you must know where it is located. That big, metal box on the corner? THAT'S the dumpster and that's where your stinky trash belongs.

I noticed that you were charged a $25 fine for your stinky trash rudeness. (Classy of you to leave the fine notice on your front door for an entire week, by the way.) In addition to this $25, I think you should voluntarily give $5 to each of your neighbors towards the purchase of air fresheners and/or gas masks. Thanks in advance.

Awaiting my $5,

Lesley